April 29, 2010

My Whole Other Blog

Where can you find the point of view of black gay man living with HIV in America?

One of the reasons I blog is to help the world dream a better dream about HIV/AIDS. It is helping? I can't speak for rest of the planet, but it helps me dream better dreams.

To see my intellectual side, check out my whole other blog.

April 25, 2010

Could You Fall in Love With This Face?

My American Dream is a simple one. True love. As defined by every American that's ever dreamed of having a romantic partner, a husband, a wife, a spousal equivalent, a civil unionist, let's not get bogged down by the terms. A boo.

What good is any American Dream without an American dreamer to live the dream with you, mind, body and soul? Would the first black president's story be as compelling without a first black president's soul mate? Heavens, no.

I want what the Obamas got. No, not the presidency. The bond. The partner in peril and triumph. The boo. But I've never had a boo, just meat. All the flesh you can eat but rarely breakfast.

So far, I've been single for life, a co-creation of nightmarish dreams by myself and the world. But I no longer believe in nightmares. I believe that dreams come true. Black men can be president of the USA. Surely, a black man can find true love, at least for a little while, right? Don't I deserve a taste of Happily Ever After with an Asterisk like every American?

Thing is, the first half of my life, I was a closeted basket case who pretty much felt like an unlovable nigger faggot. The world was pretty good at confirming my suspicions, too. Yep, y'all played along real good, give yourselves a hand!

The second half of my life, however, has been quite different. It started out kinda rocky. There was the AIDS baby I got preggers with in 1985, a month after graduating UCLA (where I was a cheerleader). That was a pretty big hit. But here I am, miracle of miracles, alive in the two oh, oh, ohs! And I'm happy to be living with AIDS! I even write novels where the main characters are black and HIV poz like me; and my boys have been nominated for five Lambda Literary Awards!

But, world, there's just this one thing ... I still ain't found no true love, and I don't know if I still believe my American Dream can come true. Can I be loved for all that I am? Can I be loved no matter the color of my skin or what lies underneath?

The world has come a long way since the AIDS Panic of the last century. People with AIDS have babies now, oftentimes with people without AIDS. Science has gotten a good handle on what is and what isn't safe sex. HIV-negative folk can get all the safe nut they want with HIV-positive folks.

So I'm back on the American Meet Market, right? I'm available to both HIV-positive and HIV-negative people, right? Whether or not I find true love is all about who I am, how I took, how I take care of myself, my ambitions, my goals, my values, my beliefs, my ability to be a great lover, the content of my character, stuff like that, right? We all have an equal opportunity to be loved in America, right?

Is my American Dream possible? Am I living in the same America as my fellow Americans? Is there anybody in America who could fall in love with this face and make my American Dream come true?

April 22, 2010

Imagining a Buddy Who Feels Like Me

It's been said visualizing helps lead to actualizing.

This is me, imagining myself clicking with another man on many levels. Sexually. Intellectually. Physically. Mentally. Man to man. Beast to beast. Boy to boy.

This is me, imagining we develop a best friendship that happens naturally.

This is me, imagining my buddy and me going outside to play basketball, throw a ball, toss a Frisbee, content to be together under the hot summer sun.

This is me, imagining being with a buddy that enjoys watching college and pro sports when the storyline's good: Kobe in the finals. USC vs. UCLA in football. Big games. When the storyline's good.

This is me, imagining a buddy who doesn't have a preset list of sex acts he is not open to trying.

This is me, imagining a buddy who doesn't have a preset list of points of view he is not open to considering.

This is me, imagining a buddy who can't take his eyes off me.

This is me, imagining a buddy whose eyes light up my world.

This is me, imagining my buddy and me will be together soon.

April 18, 2010

Being Positive While Being Positive

HIV and happiness? Yep, they can go together. In fact, a positive outlook is an essential survival tool while living with the virus.

But, other than ads by drug companies, where in the world can one find images of HIV-positive people being happy? Almost nowhere.

That's one of the reasons I blog, so that I and the rest of the world can visualize more than gloom and doom when it comes to HIV/AIDS. It is helping? I can't speak for rest of the planet, but it sure helps me feel good.

April 15, 2010

The HIV-Positive Bachelor

What's a nice guy like me doing on a blog like this? Find out in Why Am I Single?

What kind of man do I imagine myself loving for life? Find that out in My Buddy and Me: The Kind of Men We Are.

And what about the whole HIV/AIDS thing? Does the love of my life need to have a certain blood type? Find out Why HIV Status Doesn't Matter.

April 13, 2010

Dear Buddy

Dear Buddy,

Let’s make a wonderful life together
Let’s play ball, run on the beach, cuddle on the couch
Let’s share our deepest secrets, desires, and dreams
Let’s be the best of buddies

I’ve been waiting for you all my life
I dreamed of you when I was a little boy
I dreamed of a loving buddy and a loving life together
I dreamed of us being a great duo that changed the world

Let’s change the world
Let’s show each other that two buddies can thrive in love and life

Let’s show each other we’re not alone, and never have to be alone again
Let’s show each other that dreams do come true

Dear Buddy
Let's be Buddies
Forever and always

April 11, 2010

AIDS: The Romantic Comedy

I'm dreaming of a big Hollywood movie where two people fall in love, then one of them finds out--gasp!--the other one is HIV-positive!

Great peril ensues. It's more than they bargained for! The outrageous new romantic comedy. Do you believe in miracles and love? Will they? Won't they? Would you?

In the end, the HIV-negative one, despite all odds, decides to run off into the sunset and live happily ever after with the HIV-positive one. Love conquers all, especially when two people educated themselves on How to Stay HIV-Negative in an HIV-Positive World.

In an educated world, a person can be sexy while living with AIDS.

April 7, 2010

Wonder Man

I wonder if there's another guy out there who's never felt gay or straight, whatever the fuck those terms mean.

I wonder if he's been looking for me as long as I've been looking for him.

I wonder if my dreams will forever remain just that, dreams.

I wonder what our lives will be like, should we ever met.

I wonder how long I have to wonder whether or not we're gonna find each other.

I wonder: buddy, are you out there?