Owning It

I used to get so upset when someone called me faggot or nigger. That was before I trained my brain not to care about what others call me.

Faggot and nigger are powerless and without inherent meaning. They're just words, utterances by apes who've learned how to talk.

I'm a cocksucker, a fag, a faggot and a nigger, and none of those words has any power over me or my life. I'm proud of who I am: an educated man with a great mind and the ability to create magnificent dreams.

Who cares what people call me? Not this cock-sucking nigger faggot.

You lick me, you really, really lick me ...

I love my HIV-positive tongue! My tongue gives me so much pleasure and joy, allowing me to taste and savor so many wonderful flavors.

My tongue is one of my favorite appendages.

Someday, I hope to have a buddy who says my tongue is one of his favorite appendages, so much so that he says it's the world's greatest tongue.

The Sex Remains the Same

You’d think hooking up would be easier in the Internet age.

In the past, you had to leave your house to hunt for a suitable mate, meaning it could take hours, even longer, to find whatever gets you through the night.

Nowadays, you don’t have to leave your house, but hunting for a suitable mate still takes work: answering all those detailed questions by a stranger who may or may not be telling the truth, meaning it could take hours, even longer, to find whatever gets you through the night.

Sex. The more life changes, the more sex remains the same.

Wanted: Someone with the Guts to Love Me

I've been living with HIV/AIDS for nearly 26 years and counting.

I've learned that life doesn't end with a diagnosis.

Breathing continues, feelings continue, dreams continue. Life goes on and so does human sexuality.

As long as I'm alive and have enough desire, guts and determination to keep going, I'm gonna be me, a man on a mission to live life to the fullest.

That means great sex, too! Any buddy wanna share the adventure?

I Love a Black Man with AIDS

I love a black man with AIDS. It could happen to you, too, if you posses an open mind and an open heart.

Narrow-minded fear mongers need not apply.

Those who prefer WHITES AND LATINS ONLY need not apply.

Anyone obsessed with big black cock need not apply.

Persons not educated about safer sex, forget about it.

I love a black man with AIDS. It could happen to you, too, if you dare to dream.

Sexual Racism in the USA

When I ask gay men to explain their WHITES AND LATINS ONLY preferences, as stated in countless online profiles, I get the same responses white folk offered up fifty years ago while trying to promote their WHITES ONLY preferences for their schools, their rest rooms, their bus seats, their sons and daughters.

"Aw, man, nothing against blacks, don't get me wrong, just a preference. Some of my best friends are black."

But you've written them and all blacks off as possible objects of your affection, just as your parents did, just as your grandparents did, just as your great grandparents did, just as your great great great grandparents did (quite possibly while owning blacks and interbreeding with them).

Is it a coincidence that for you, too, it's NO BLACKS, NO ASIANS? It is really as simple as "just a preference?" A preference in ALL CAPS by countless gay men (of all races) in America in 2011?

Ask your black and Asian friends how they feel about your WHITES AND LATINS ONLY, NO BLACKS, NO ASIAN preferences.

Will you still have as many friends after you reveal your preferences? If the answer is no, consider yourself a racist in someone else's eyes, if not your own.

In His Smile

Gay internet dating sites have something called smiles or winks, which is a digital way of nudging a prospective date and seeing if he nudges back. It's a way to gauge someone's interest, some might say.

Don't send me smiles!, a lot of guys demand angrily in their profiles.

Why the smile? asked some guys in respond to receiving one, usually followed by a smart-ass comment.

Only I'm not looking for a smart ass. Be it a job interview or a blow job interview, in life, when I'm looking for someone, I'm looking for someone who can enrich my life and vice versa. The longer they can do that the better. The more we enrich one another, the more we both wanna smile. The more we wanna smile, the more we might ask ourselves: what other ways can we make ourselves smile?

When all the smiles are gone, and we can't dream up more ways to make smiles together, we thank one another, wish one another well, part company, and continue onward with our journey.

Two people can make one another smile for seconds, minutes, hours, months, years, a whole lifetime.

So when you see me smile, it's because something about you makes me wanna smile, and I'm wondering if something about me makes you wanna smile, and if there's anything we can do to make us both smile ... together.

When White People Obsess Over Big Black Cock

"Can I see it," asked a middle-aged white man, desperate to see my dick.

He was a total stranger who happened to be parked in a truck near where my dog was taking a leak. Broad daylight. An urban residential street.

Okay, so I did have on some short, old school gym shorts that were quite sheer, but it's not like I put my big black gun to his head and made him beg for a peak.

He said he was hetero, divorced and had never done anything with another guy. But I want so more than to show my dick to a leering stranger. Friendship. A j/o buddy. Dare I say, love?

This guy didn't even want my phone number, said he wouldn't use it. He just wanted to use me, or rather my dick, to satisfy some pent up curiosity of his.

I repeat, white people, I am not a dick.

Where Is the Love?

When's the last time you heard someone say, "I just need to find the right black gay guy with HIV/AIDS to settle down with?"

When's the last time you saw a black gay guy being the object of anyone's affection in the media?

Do I even exist in people's minds?

Will I ever exist in people's hearts?

I'm dreaming of it on this funky little blog with the hope that someday, the world will follow.

What I Need

I don't need a dick
I don't need a pussy
I don't need an ipod
I don't need a toy

I don't need a dog
I don't need a man
I don't need a woman
I don't need an ass
I don't need to be an ass

I don't need truth
I don't need lies
I don't need promises
I don't need love
I don't need hate

I need my freedom
I need my health
I need my mind

The rest of life is details.
The rest of life is not what I need to be me, sound-mind, healthy body and free.

My Racist Gay World

Most gay men won't date black men, so says a new survey in the journal AIDS and Behavior (and many a black man who's done time in the gay world).

As reported in HIV Plus Magazine, the survey revealed "blacks are deemed the least preferred as sexual partners by men of other ethnicities."

This prejudging of every black man alive as unacceptable for sexual intimacy “forces black gay men into closely-knit sexual networks that allow HIV to rapidly spread once introduced.”

HIV infection rates are disproportionately high among young black gay men. Now researchers believe one of the reasons is prejudice and racism.

Welcome to my world.

I Deserve

I deserve love.

I deserve happiness.

I deserve respect.

I deserve compassion.

I deserve a long, healthy life.

I deserve love.

I deserve my deepest dreams come true.

Better Things

Even in the most chilled despair, there must be hope. That's the gist of one of my favorite lines from my favorite author, Anton Myrer.

In his epic war novel, Once an Eagle, the protaginist Sam was trying to explain to his young son why a person shouldn't just give up, seeing as how life can really, really suck sometimes, so much so, there's no point in going on, or so it seems.

But you've got to have hope, thought the character. Hope for a better time and a better day. Even in the most chilled despair, there must be hope.

Myrer's words help get me through the early days of the AIDS Panic, circa the 1980's. Those words also comfort me tonight, some 20-plus years later.

Always hope for better things. There must be hope.

More than a Checkbox

I'm not a box, nor do I always fit inside one. Life is full of forms to fill out, boxes to check, categories to categorize a guy. But what about a guy who doesn't fit into all the categories and boxes?

Am I gay? I dream of eating out a woman's pussy. Am I a top or bottom? What if I like both top and bottom? Am I black or white? What about my light skin and the white man's DNA running through it? What about Native American blood inside me? What the fuck am I?

I'm a man who doesn't fit into a box. A man who doesn't think top or bottom. A man who's way more than one box at any given time. Any buddy wanna say it with me? Fuck the boxes!

Portrait of a Healthy Poz Dude

Been living with HIV/AIDS for 25 and a half years and counting.

And they said I wouldn't last. lol

I'm lasting, loving my life and living better than I ever dreamed possible.

And I haven't even turned 50 yet. Boy, I hope I get to turn 50, though 49 ain't bad for a guy who acquired the AIDS virus when he was a mere 23 years-old.

Man, I love my life.

Birthday Man

Jim Carrey, Ben Franklin and me--three Americans born on January 17. In fact, Mr. Carey and I came into the world on the same day in 1962.

But only one of us has lived with HIV/AIDS for more than 25 years. Only one has shown courage and bravery in the face of a disease that once had a life expectancy of 12-18 months.

Happy birthday to the man that is me. I'm living a dream that I never imagined coming true: me, middle-aged, in great shape with a sharp mind. Me, comfortable with myself and in love with my life. Me, a funky, black, poz jock who is happy, whole and proud.

Happy birthday to me. And many more ....

The Considerate Racist

Once I read an online personal ad that said: white and Latin guys only. Sorry, don't want to waste anybody's time.

What this kind and considerate racist is saying:

"I've prejudged all non-whites and Latins, sight unseen, to be unattractive and unworthy of my sexual and romantic energy, and I'm going to be generous about it by telling the world up front, so I don't waste any of you's non-white and Latino guys' time."

He may be a racist, but he's a magnanimous one!

WHITES AND LATINS ONLY, a photo essay using gay men's online language in images reminiscent of the segregated Old South, now on my author blog.

Ménage à Me

Why I got to be a gay dude who only likes dick?

What if I want to eat pussy or have a three-way with a man and a woman?

What if I want to have sex with chicks, then run home and tell my man about it?

What if I want to have sex with men and women, but only fall in love with a man or a woman?

Why I got to be a gay dude who only likes dick?

Man, I Lick You!

If I couldn't eat a man's ass, I wouldn't be “gay.”

Because I love to eat a man's ass, the rest follows.

Any potential mate of mine is going to love having his butt kissed, licked, caressed and massaged by my loving tongue

I can live without many things in life, but oxygen and rimming are not among them.

My Dream Buddy

He exists. He's dreaming about me right now.

He exists, and regardless of his status, he's not gonna run away from me because I'm living with HIV/AIDS.

He's gonna admire my courage and strength.

He's going to love me like no other man has ever loved me.

He exists, and tonight I'm going to fall asleep dreaming of him.